To My First Love, With Regret - 115

‘You’re paying a steep price for abandoning me.’

Despite her cynicism, Eve turned her gaze away, finding it difficult to face the soul she had shattered with her own lies. She loathed what she had become—someone cruel enough to utterly ruin a person she had once loved. To feel both rage toward the man who turned her into such a monster and a lingering sense of pity was a contradiction; a hypocrisy.

Perhaps it was the weight of these indigestible emotions clumping in her chest, but she felt a tightening pressure in her solar plexus, as if she were being suffocated.

Don’t think about it anymore.

—Hurry, Eve!

Right now, this time belonged solely to that child.

The chill that had been lingering in the second-floor drawing room retreated feebly the moment Ethan lit the fireplace. Whether it was from the warmth or the excitement of the mountain of gifts, the cheeks of the usually pale child were unusually flushed.

Tony sat hunched in front of a massive Christmas tree adorned with lights as colorful as candy. He prattled on incessantly, picking up the boxes piled beneath the branches one by one and shaking them against his ear.

—Which one should I open first? Phew… there are so many, it’s a problem.

The child’s happy grumbling sounded like a tribute to Eve, who sat beside him. Since the number of people available to give him gifts had dwindled over the past year, she had put extra effort into filling the space—and seeing him now, the effort felt well worth it.

—Since when were there this many presents?

A voice suddenly cut in, ruthlessly trampling over her sense of accomplishment. Ethan sat down beside Eve without an invitation, smirking with an air of mock exhaustion. Eve opened her mouth to snap back, but the words died in her throat.

—That’s why I don’t know what to open first.

—Allow me to solve the Duke’s spoiled dilemma. Open mine first.

…Why are you giving Tony a gift?

There were only two types of people who gave Christmas presents to Anthony Sherwood: family members fulfilling an obligation, or flatterers trying to curry favor with the Duchy.

Ethan Fairchild was neither.

—Is it this one?

The moment Tony fished a box out of the pile—one with the name ‘Ethan’ carelessly scribbled on it—he began tearing at the wrapping paper. Seeing the substantial size of the gift, Eve’s brow furrowed slightly. A childish sense of rivalry reared its head.

—Wow!

The child cheered as soon as he opened the box. Inside was a suit of bluish-gray. He was at an age where he would usually detest receiving clothes as a gift, but this was the exception.

—It’s an officer’s uniform!

What Ethan had prepared was an Air Force uniform, exquisitely tailored for a child. It wasn’t a cheap, thin-fabric imitation found in stores. It was the real deal—identical to the one Ethan always wore—complete with a formal cap, a belt, and military boots.

Why give such a luxury to Tony… Eve’s mouth began to feel even drier, though this time, it wasn’t because of petty competition.

Meanwhile, the boy was so ecstatic he couldn’t even wait the few seconds it would take to change his shirt; he threw the officer’s jacket over his pajamas. As the loose sleeves covered the backs of his hands, Ethan murmured nonchalantly.

—It’s a bit big. Better that way, actually. It needs to be roomy if you’re going to wear it for a long time.

Eve’s brow creased instinctively. Worrying about a child’s growth spurts when buying clothes was the kind of humble, tender concern usually reserved for a mother.

To promise a future to the very child he had intended to kill—it meant he no longer had any intention of killing him.

Since Tony’s survival was now guaranteed, shouldn’t she be smiling?

Yet, instead of warm relief, a cold anxiety spread through Eve’s heart. She was afraid of this man who acted on whims she couldn’t calculate—and she was afraid of her own heart, which wavered at those very whims.

—The unit patch goes on the left arm, right?

—That’s right. In a spot where it stands out. You know your stuff.

—And my rank?

The child turned his head to check the insignia on his own shoulder, and his lips pouted out.

—It’s a Captain. I don’t like it. Change it. I want a higher rank than Ethan.

—Ha. You don’t even know the grace of being given a uniform before you start an insurrection. You really are a Sherwood through and through.

Ignoring Ethan’s sarcasm, the child grinned broadly and suddenly threw his arms wide. In doing so, he caught not only Ethan, but Eve, completely off guard.

—Thank you.

Tony burrowed into Ethan’s arms without hesitation. For a moment, a heavy shadow fell over the man’s face as he stiffened, faltering. His hands gripped the small shoulders as if he were about to push the child away.

But his hands only hovered in hesitation before Ethan closed his eyes as if in resignation and hugged the boy back.

A cruel criminal and an innocent child. A forsaken son and the father who had ruthlessly discarded him. The embrace between these two, who should never have been brought together, strangely created a perfect Christmas scene.

A heavy sigh leaked from the man’s lips as he stroked the child’s hair, pressing his cheek against the boy’s. Watching this scene, a long sigh escaped Eve as well.

Why did this man, who held his enemy’s son in his arms, wear the face of such a tender and sorrowful father? The sight of Ethan embracing the boy stirred a cruel illusion, making Eve’s heart race.

Thrills and terror are but two sides of the same coin. The flip could happen in an instant.

She was afraid of this bizarre atmosphere that made a murderer’s embrace feel like a sanctuary—and she was afraid of herself for soaking in this precarious peace. Eve quickly diverted the child’s attention to separate the father and son.

—Tony, when are you going to open my present?

—Oh, right!

Tony scurried back to the pile of gifts and opened the first box with Eve’s name tag on it. Out came a ‘Great Detective Play Set.’

A glittering gold-rimmed magnifying glass, a leather notebook, and secret ink that revealed writing when held up to a candle emerged from the box one by one. Tony tried to tuck the magnifying glass into his officer’s jacket pocket as if it were a weapon, then paused and asked:

—But can a soldier be a detective too?

—Well… perhaps once you’ve brilliantly finished your duties as a soldier, you could become a wonderful detective?

As if Eve didn’t know the half of it, Ethan shook his head and cut in.

—Why can’t you be both? The military has police who chase down bad guys, too. They’re called Military Police…

Military police who chase bad guys. At those words, Eve’s heart went cold. It was because the evidence sent by Shepard, hidden in a box deep within her study, flashed through her mind.

Did that man have any inkling? That the words he just carelessly spat out were a prophecy that would soon become his own fate.

—Thank you, Eve.

It was the child’s warmth that pulled Eve back to reality as she began to sink into dark agony. Tony hugged her and gave her a quick peck on the cheek before jumping back into the pile of gifts.

—Now I’m going to open the present from Santa!

Watching the boy, Ethan’s eyes widened in shock.

—Don’t tell me you still…

He was right on the verge of asking if the boy still believed in Santa. Eve hurriedly reached out and clamped her hand over the man’s mouth.

Shut that mouth.

As she glared fiercely and shook her head at him, Ethan stared blankly for a moment, then suddenly his eyes crinkled into a soft, curved smile.

Flinch.

Startled, Eve jerked her hand away. It wasn’t because she had been subjected to some crude prank like him licking her palm. It was simply that, in this moment of trying to protect a child’s innocence, he and she resembled ordinary parents. And that was exactly what they must not be.

The man stared down vacantly at the crown of the child’s small head as the boy focused on tearing the wrapping paper labeled ‘Santa,’ and then he let out a sudden, peculiar lament.

—I wish Santa would give me a gift, too.

Tony snapped his head up, blinking his innocent eyes as he asked:

—Why didn’t you get one? Ah, it’s because you’re a bad person, right?

After delivering the final blow with a purity that lacked even a shred of malice, Tony lowered his head back to the gift box as if it weren’t even surprising.

—Ha, this kid is really…

Unable to utter a single word of rebuttal, Ethan messily ruffled the boy’s hair in retaliation. Then, he abruptly extended his hand toward Eve.

—Is there nothing for me?

Eve didn’t stop a hollow laugh from escaping.

—Nothing. I naturally assumed you’d be gone by Christmas. To the home where your family is.

Eve deliberately put weight on the word ‘family’ to push him away. Yet, even at this cold dismissal, Ethan only gave a bitter smile and did not retreat.

—If there isn’t one, then make one and give it to me now.

What on earth do you want from me? Her dark premonition did not miss the mark.

—For today, no matter what I say, you answer with ‘Okay.’

His tone was playful, but the eyes looking at Eve still held that sad longing she had glimpsed when they were mimicking ordinary parents.

It was transparent what he intended to ask for. Eve coldly threw back the only answer she should give.

—No.

Despite the flat rejection, the man burst into laughter.

Just what is so funny?

You despised me, I cursed you, and in the end, we lost our child. We ought to still be enemies, yet you can look at me and laugh?

Perhaps Ethan had decided to accept her as a comrade-in-arms who had endured the same hell. Perhaps it was out of some cheap pity or guilt toward a woman who looked miserable in his eyes.

Or, perhaps it was for a selfish reason—that he needed an ally to lean on if he was to avoid going mad while navigating this pain alone.

Whichever was the truth, the hostility aimed at Eve had faded thanks to it, but now she was worried about the melancholy coiled like a heavy serpent behind that light banter. The moment she touched it, it might spring out and sink its fangs into her.

Please, this is enough, so just leave. Stop acting like you’re fine when you’re forcing it. No one ever asked that of you.