My Beloved, Whom I Desire to Kill - 334

Edwin took a deep breath, like a sinner before the judge.

—You can listen and say anything you want. I deserve to hear it, and you have the right to speak. If you’re angry, be angry. If you want to hit me, that’s fine too. But please, don’t blame yourself.

—What exactly did you hide?

The warning was so long. And it made her nervous.

He confessed, cupping Giselle’s cheeks as if worried about her reaction.

—The person who impersonated me and ordered Nikolas to be deployed for the assassination of the Supreme Commander wasn’t Lorenz. I found the real culprit later and didn’t tell you.

—Oh……

Giselle lowered her gaze. Her lips, which had just expelled a small sigh, drooped. She looked crestfallen. However, the tone of her despondency was different from what Edwin had expected.

—I know.

—…You know?

—The Chief of Staff apologized to me on the day of the medal ceremony.

Edwin finally felt like the puzzle pieces were falling into place. No wonder she had been shutting herself in the study more often around that time.

—Why didn’t you tell me? You should have confronted me. You should have asked me why, grabbed me by the collar, and been angry.

—Because I understood why you did it. I probably would have done the same.

—I won’t make a mistake like this again, but from now on, don’t just understand on your own—talk to me about it.

—I will.

Now that the subject had come up, she could have poured out the bitterness in her heart to Edwin and received comfort. However, washing away a sin so easily and conveniently was not the duty of a sinner. Hadn’t Lorenz also atoned until his death?

—I was the one who framed him first, though. What right do I have to be angry with you?

Edwin’s eyes narrowed as he met Giselle’s bitter smile.

—You are angry.

—I was.

Giselle admitted honestly, as he wished.

—But I feel like you also felt remorse, and you didn’t just tell me because I caught you. That eased my anger.

—You still feel sorry for him, don’t you?

She rolled her eyes as if wondering why he was asking this all of a sudden, then offered a wry smile and shrugged.

—Well, what else can I do?

—Would apologizing help?

—Apologizing to where? A grave with no body?

Giselle confessed that the potted aster was Lorenz’s grave and made a self-deprecating remark, but there was someone more astonishing than her.

—To Lorenz.

—Excuse me?

Edwin finally confessed.

—I actually went to see Doctor Galloway. To bring back the dead personality.

—…And?

—I brought him back.

—My God…

Of course, Giselle’s first reaction was exactly the astonishment he had anticipated.

—Edwin, I’m telling you this because you asked me to be honest about my feelings.

—Yes, tell me.

—Are you insane?

—Didn’t you know? I’m the man who was so crazy about you he even enlisted.

—But I didn’t know you were crazy enough to relapse into Dissociative Identity Disorder just to ease my guilt!

Edwin held Giselle, who began to sob, saying there was no need for this, and asking why he would sacrifice his freedom so much for her.

—I don’t see it as a sacrifice. I’m actually certain that this was the right thing to do.

When he had concealed the truth, he had hesitated even after the act, but this time, he didn’t hesitate. He had no regrets.

If anything, he felt a sense of liberation that he hadn’t felt when the other personality died. He was finally free from the memory that had silently gnawed at him. Now, even looking back at his days in the detention camp wasn’t so agonizing. He was simply proud that he had protected his life and his convictions even in the face of danger.

—I understand that, too.

Giselle had also, after all, come to terms with her own painful past.

—But what man in the world sacrifices another man for me out of love?

—Yes, where else in the world would you find a man like me?

Edwin’s hand wiped the tears clinging to Giselle’s eyes.

—If there ever comes a day when you mistakenly think I don’t love you, remember this day.

—That day will never come.

Now it was his turn to repeat the words he had once spoken to a woman who would someday not love him anymore—but for his other self, who was not loved, rather than for the self who was loved.

—If you hate Lorenz but don’t dislike him, give him a chance, just once. Even if you get hurt again, you won’t be left with lingering regret like you were this time.

No, these words were actually for the woman they both loved. He wished for Giselle to no longer have to worry about anyone in this three-person relationship.

A lover asking her to give a rival a chance. Giselle stared hard at his eyes, wondering if this was really Edwin, then furrowed her brow in confusion. Edwin smiled, his eyes curving playfully.

—I’d feel reassured if you loved even the most hopeless version of me. No matter what crazy thing I do, you wouldn’t leave, would you?

Why is he anxious that I might leave? She couldn’t understand but quickly realized it was due to his past record.

—As long as you love me.

For Giselle, that was enough. No matter what crazy thing he did.

—I love you no matter what kind of lunatic you are. If a day ever comes when I mistakenly think I don’t love you…—

—That day will never come.

He stroked Giselle’s thigh, where the scar was located, and pressed his lips to hers. Satisfied with the brief but deep kiss, he released her from his embrace.

—Then, talk slowly.

His eyes changed. As soon as the gaze of the gloomy-lit eyes met hers, it quickly fled from Giselle.

He really came back to life.

Giselle stared only at his eyes in disbelief, but Lorenz only looked down at his own hands, as if displeased that they even existed. His mouth was set in a pout, as if resentful of being awakened from eternal sleep.

—Was it comfortable being dead?

—How should I know that?

He retorted curtly, true to his nature, then added, unlike himself, as if he had been spooked.

—I was actually dead.

He was afraid that Giselle might suspect he had only been pretending to be dead.

—I know. And because of that, I know everything you said was sincere.

—Were you listening?

Only then did he tilt his head and look at her out of the corner of his eye, his gaze accusing her: If you heard, why did you ignore me? Now it was Giselle’s turn to prove her innocence.

—I thought it was a dream. I didn’t call you Edwin on purpose to make you die. I was just intoxicated by the anesthetic and made a mistake.

—I know. But I still wanted to die.

—Do you still want to die?

Lorenz didn’t answer and avoided her eyes again.

—I’m sorry, Lorenz. It was wrong of me to frame you.

His eyelids, which had been resting listlessly, shot open, and his gaze flew to Giselle. Did he not believe it, even though he already knew she was going to apologize? He was actually imprinting this rare sight—this woman feeling sorry for him—into his memory, as was his deeply ingrained habit.

—It’s not your fault. It was understandable that you were confused. I wasn’t a trustworthy person. The fault lies with the despicable man who framed me on purpose even after knowing I wasn’t the culprit.

That character—unable to resist bad-mouthing Edwin—was still intact. Instead of getting angry, Giselle felt relieved and laughed. Perhaps surprised by this, he looked at her sidelong, and she took the hand of the man who had been only looking down.

—I won’t doubt you first anymore. I’ll believe you.

—Suit yourself.

Lorenz acted indifferent, as if he was still sulking, but he was actually trying to press down the corners of his mouth that wanted to curl up in delight. The apology was done, so next came the gratitude.

—Lorenz, thank you for saving me. I would have died without you.

He stared at Giselle silently again.

—I was so surprised you were such an incredible pilot. Honestly, it was truly 멋졌어 (fantastic).

—It was?

Only then did he give up the pretense of being sullen and curved the corners of his lips into a full smile. However, the bright smile quickly faded into bitterness. Giselle knew why.

—Others might attribute your shining moments to Edwin, but I will always remember them by your name, Lorenz.

The abyss-like gaze he had for her was now tinged with the clear color of water. This lonely man was not as greedy as he seemed. To be remembered as himself and not Edwin. And Giselle. These two were all he wanted, so Giselle’s vow to remember him must have been the greatest comfort of all.

—Doesn’t it make you want to live when someone as lovely as me recognizes you?

He scoffed, letting out a small, Ha, at the brazen comment, then covered his true feelings with a cynical tone and asked dismissively.

—Why don’t you want me to die? Wasn’t it easier without me?

—No, not at all.

He now wore an intrigued expression and tried to hide his excitement, but in front of Giselle, who knew him well, it was meaningless.

—Do you love me or something?

—Ha, look at you. You’ve gotten cocky so quickly.

The Lorenz she knew was slowly emerging. Giselle was glad but pinched and wiggled his nose.

—Who gave you permission to find peace on your own? Atone for the rest of your life by my side. If I sometimes feel like getting angry over old times, who else is going to put up with it but you?

He rolled his eyes openly, as if dumbfounded to be told to live in order to receive hatred, not love, but at the same time, he placed his hand over Giselle’s, which he had only been looking down at until now.

—I have a lot of feelings for you. No matter what kind they are, they all have your name tag on them, so I can’t toss them onto anyone else. You have to take them. If you love me, don’t run away to a place you can never return from and leave me to carry them alone forever.

The moment she squeezed her eyes shut, and before the flood of tears could stream down her cheeks, Lorenz wiped them away. As if he would accept every emotion tagged with his name, just like he accepted those tears.

Only then did Giselle embrace him and promise to give him a chance.

—Lorenz, you were born to meet me. So don’t die without my permission.

After that, they had a long conversation.

—But you were wrong to run amok with a knife.

Most of the conversation devolved into arguing over each other’s rights and wrongs.

—Now stop trying to frame Edwin with lies, too. You know how unfair it feels now that you’ve been through it, right?

—In return, you have to treat him and me fairly.

As they fought, cried, and apologized repeatedly, they were utterly exhausted by the time the conversation was finally concluded. However, this feeling was closer to a languid satisfaction than mere fatigue. They felt full, even after emptying everything out.

Lorenz seemed to be experiencing a similar sentiment. He leaned his face against the back of the sofa, facing Giselle, silently gazing at her. He only spoke when the sound of wind chimes drifted in from the backyard window.

—Do you have anything else to say?

—I have something to do.

Giselle stood up and pulled Lorenz’s hand.

—I’ll buy you ice cream.

—What flavor?

—Lemon.

Because it was Giselle’s favorite.

Now, Edwin could also read the thoughts of the person controlling the body. Lorenz no longer tried to hide them.

—Here you go, lemon flavor.

The cold sherbet melted smoothly and disappeared on his tongue. The sweet and sour taste of the sugar-cured lemon stung his tongue.

The ice cream was exactly as Edwin remembered it. Yet, the man whose wish was supposedly to try this very thing had his mind entirely focused on the woman who had bought it and placed it in his hand, rather than the ice cream itself.

He doesn’t even realize it’s melting.

—Oh, it’s melting.

Giselle was the first to notice it dripping down his fingers. She was expected to take out a handkerchief and wipe it, but she did something mischievous instead.

She drew her tongue long and slow over his hand, far softer than the sherbet, licking up the drop. The wet tip of her tongue traced each of his knuckles.

Then, she acted prim, as if the ice cream was her only goal, and immediately retreated to the cone. She shaped a corner of the white cloud of sherbet into the form of a cresting wave before lifting her tongue away. A tidal wave swelled in my—no, our—chest.

—What? Do you want to eat something else now?

She brought her beautiful face close, as if she were about to kiss him…

—Then I’ll eat this, okay?

She stopped playfully and winked one eye.

That fox.

Edwin Eccleston loved Giselle Bishop even when she was being a fox to his rival. Just as Giselle Bishop loved Edwin Eccleston’s wound, even the one he wished to kill.

Life is a struggle. Thus, it leaves scars. Aren’t scars badges of glory for the warrior, signifying victory over the enemy? We finally reach the salvation of truly loving ourselves only when we accept the wounds we received from living as a part of us and are proud of them.

The day Edwin Eccleston would come to love the self he had wanted to kill was not far off.

Just as the sea and the land will eventually meet under the glorious golden sunlight.

<My Beloved, Whom I Desire to Kil> The End

Asure: Readers, we’ve reached the end. Thank you for joining me on this journey. I hope you enjoyed the translation. Have a great Sunday.

P.S.: If you liked the translation and have a novel you’d like me to translate, feel free to let me know. We’ll see if it’s possible.