My Beloved, Whom I Desire to Kill - 250

The man’s half-closed eyes shot open, and he turned to face Giselle. Seeing the look in his eyes, as if he couldn’t believe what he’d just heard, Giselle smiled a little shyly.

He was about to say something, but when a question came from the other end of the receiver, he quietly swallowed a sigh, as if he was furious at the intruder who had interrupted this long-awaited moment, and continued his conversation.

He then leaned his cheek against Giselle’s. He gently enveloped one of her hands on his chest and quietly kissed it between his words.

She had planned to wait until the call was over, but it didn’t look like it was going to end anytime soon. I should stop bothering him and get back to work. She let go of her arms, but the man didn’t let go of her hand and gestured toward the sofa by the window.

I have to obey the oldest officer in the unit.

She sat on the sofa and reread the information about her brother carefully. It seemed the call ended about five minutes later, but he immediately made another one.

—Don’t let anyone in until lunchtime is over. Don’t even connect any calls.

She thought he wasn’t done with work, but he was just giving a ‘no interruptions’ order to Sergeant Kershaw, who was outside the door. His face was noticeably flushed when he hung up the receiver and came to sit next to Giselle.

—Call me that again.

—…….

As she met his eyes, which were shining with anticipation, she felt an inexplicable shyness at the thought of calling him by his name.

—Director, is it alright to flirt with a woman during work hours?

—Just a moment.

He pushed up the cuff of his sleeve and silently looked down at his wristwatch for a moment, then looked up and smirked.

—It’s lunchtime now. The military has no right to discipline us for having a romance during a rest period guaranteed by labor law.

—That’s a valid point.

—So hurry. Just once more.

Unable to resist his almost pleading urging, Giselle whispered quickly.

—Edwin?

At that moment, his already bright face began to sparkle even more with joy. She couldn’t remember the last time she had seen this man so happy. She was certain he hadn’t worn this expression in the memories she had wanted to forget. The corners of Giselle’s mouth also turned up in joy.

Edwin took hold of her two cheeks. As he tilted his head toward her, Giselle covered her lips with her hand.

—That doesn’t mean I love you yet.

—That’s still good.

His lips changed course and landed on her forehead. As if that wasn’t enough, he came down her nose and left a small peck on the tip, like a bird pecking with its beak. Her heart fluttered, but she couldn’t fully enjoy it.

His lips are too close.

She wasn’t worried that Edwin Eccleston would kiss her without her permission, but Lorenz was the problem. She couldn’t take her eyes off his, not knowing when he might suddenly change and pounce on her lips, but he closed his eyes, pressing the tips of their noses together.

Giselle whispered urgently.

—Don’t close your eyes.

The man’s eyes shot open. It was Edwin. The man, who understood the reason without her having to explain it, sadly closed his mouth and moved away from Giselle. He looked like he had a lot to say, and he kept opening his mouth but couldn’t get a single word out. He would just let out a desperate sigh before closing his mouth again. She could guess what he wanted to say and why he couldn’t.

—I’ll handle it myself. Don’t worry.

—Are you really going to be okay? If you’re forcing yourself to give him a chance because you think you have no other choice…

—Why do you think I have no other choice?

The man, who understood her implication that she could choose not to see him, showed complex emotions on his face but said nothing.

—Even so, I chose this path. Even knowing that seeing you means Lorenz will be a part of it. I’m prepared for it.

His lips turned up slightly as if he was relieved, but the worry in his eyes remained.

—You know I’m not a pushover anymore. If you didn’t worry when we were just ‘smoke buddies,’ you don’t have to worry now. To be honest, I’m even enjoying it.

She couldn’t say what she was enjoying. Her ‘pet puppy’ would be listening. Because of that, the man’s expression stiffened as he misunderstood the meaning of her enjoying it.

—I know you’ll be jealous that another man is involved, but you’re the one who brought him here, aren’t you?

—I know. That’s why I can’t tell you to stop hanging out with that bastard.

—You just did.

She burst out laughing and then quickly covered her mouth, thinking it might be heard outside the door. Still, she couldn’t stop laughing and snickered without a sound. Meanwhile, Edwin groaned, covered his forehead with one hand, leaned his head back on the sofa, and sighed deeply.

—What in the world would it take to kill him?

—Just let it go. Don’t think about doing anything crazy again.

Giselle sat close to him and leaned her head against his side. The eyes below his hand turned toward Giselle. She first confirmed his gaze, then promised.

—I won’t do anything that will hurt you.

—No. Don’t worry about me.

Edwin removed the hand covering his eyes and turned his head toward Giselle. The eyes that met hers were still filled with melancholy but were so warm. With equally warm hands, he stroked Giselle’s cheek as if it were a snowflake that would melt at his touch.

—The most important thing to me is that you’re at peace. It’s good that you’re enjoying yourself. Just don’t forget that no matter who you fall in love with, or if you can’t love, the person you must always love the most is yourself.

Giselle nodded with a fond smile. Only then did Edwin’s stiff expression relax, and he was able to smile in return.

—If he does anything you don’t like, don’t just tolerate it. Do what you learned in training. If he tries to slap you again like yesterday, he’ll grab your hand to stop you. From now on, don’t even give him a chance to prepare. Just aim directly for his groin.

Giselle’s expression twisted.

—I’m okay.

—Well, I’m not.

She still couldn’t tolerate anything that would hurt him. It was touching, yet it also ached. That’s why you were so swayed by the devil who held me hostage back then. So, she was about to earnestly urge him not to worry about her, but Edwin was left speechless by Giselle’s words, which she stated with a firm, hardened face.

—I have no intention of dating a man with a sexual dysfunction.

—……

The quick mind that worked no matter how difficult the opponent or problem was, came to a screeching halt. Because of this, an entirely unexpected remark came out in an aggrieved tone.

—I don’t have a dysfunction.

—I know.

—…….

Again, he had nothing to say. How would Giselle know that he had no problems below the waist? It was because she had experienced it.

He was prepared for the time when that incident would have to be brought up, but he didn’t expect it to come so soon. He couldn’t even imagine that Giselle would bring it up first.

—Since it’s been brought up, let’s talk about it openly. Deciding to date me means you’ve also decided to sleep with me, right?

—That’s right.

After giving a frank answer in his dazed state, he felt deceitful, just as that backstabbing guy had said yesterday, and as Giselle had agreed. To hold a sense of guilt for violating the child he had raised as his own flesh and blood, while also harboring the desire to share every single act of affection that ordinary lovers enjoy with the woman he loved… it was utterly contradictory.

Embarrassed, he added defensively.

—Not yet, but someday when we’re both ready. If you want to.

On the other hand, it was one of the many problems they had to overcome in this relationship, and he was eager to get over that hurdle. But why was Giselle asking about this already? He was curious about her intentions.

—Then what about you?

—I haven’t even decided to love you yet.

He let out a weak laugh, his energy completely drained. She declared less than three days ago that she wouldn’t call him by his name because they didn’t know how their relationship would turn out, and now she was asking if he was ready to make love, even though she still claimed she wasn’t ready to love him.

She would approach him so abruptly without warning, but then scurry backward when he looked at her. She was exactly like the timid puppy Natalia from when they first met. How cute. And yet, he felt sorry for her, wondering how much she must still fear this relationship to be backtracking like this.

—There’s something I want to talk about.

Why was she sitting up so straight, facing him? What was she going to say? Edwin moistened his dry lips, braced himself, and nodded.

—I don’t think I would be very comfortable with kissing.

This was also sudden, but it was within the expected range of possibilities compared to her asking if he was ready to have sex.

—I understand. It’s okay.

He had decided to restrain himself but hadn’t been able to, so it was only natural for Giselle, who felt pressured, to draw a line in advance.

—And I’ll be careful, too. I’m sorry.

—No, it’s entirely my problem. I have some memories I don’t really want to recall, no, I have a lot of them…….

Right. Why would kissing be the only thing? Her words, ‘I haven’t even decided to love you yet,’ resonated in Edwin’s heart.