My Beloved, Whom I Desire to Kill - 244

—There’s still a part of me that’s lamenting how a sweet kid like you is too good for a bastard like me. I’m confident I cherish and love you more than any other man in the world, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m still a bastard.

—That’s different from saying you’ll never let me go to another man for the rest of my life.

—That’s a promise based on the premise that you love me. Forcibly keeping a woman who doesn’t want to be next to me isn’t love, it’s violence.

It was true, but it wasn’t the answer Gisele wanted to hear.

—Don’t you have any intention of desperately pleading with me? Like, ‘My life is over if you leave,’ or ‘Your love is the only salvation I have.’

—Those words would just guilt you. It’s no different from branding you a bad person if you reject me. It’s a cowardly and deceitful trick.

—Well, that’s true.

—Speaking of which, you talk like you’ve heard that before. What shady guy spouted such nonsense to you?

—Your other personality, Chief.

—Just as I thought. He’s a bad guy, so he uses threats.

He’s going to flare up again, isn’t he? Gisele quickly looked up to check his eyes. It was strange. He was silent, even though she was insulting him. What was he up to?

—Gisele, I don’t do things like that. You want me to make you fall in love with me, right? Not to make you pity me.

He really was a commander of psychological warfare. Persuaded, Gisele nodded. So, this man’s conclusion was, ‘You won’t reject me. I will surely make you fall in love with me.’ His confidence was so solid that it didn’t waver at all, even at her taunt, ‘I can leave you whenever I want.’

But why was a man who had everything, even this confidence, suddenly glancing around and nervously watching Gisele?

—If you try to leave, should I hang on to the end? Should I honestly tell you what would happen to my life without you? I’ll do it if you want.

Gisele couldn’t hold back her laughter. He said such tricks were against his principles, but he’d do it in a heartbeat if Gisele wanted him to. But what truly made Gisele laugh were the words that followed.

He would speak honestly. This meant that he was already desperate inside but just not showing it on the outside. Was he being genuine, or was it a lie to placate her? Either way, he had given Gisele the answer she wanted to hear without compromising his own principles, which was a clever move.

—That’s enough for now.

—But why did you ask me to desperately plead with you?

—It’s not that I want you to be a bad guy like Lorenz. It’s just that…

This man is too relaxed.

—I guess it’s not fun because it doesn’t feel like I hold the power.

She would get a little cocky with his advances, but then she’d see his fearless and uninhibited attitude, so unlike her past self, and she couldn’t help but wonder if their places had truly been swapped.

—How can I make it feel like you have the power? Want to try ordering me around?

Ordering him around? A lieutenant ordering a colonel? The absurdity made her laugh.

—If you tell me to kneel, I’ll kneel. If you tell me to cry, I’ll cry.

—Wow, that would be interesting. I’ve never seen you cry.

How many times have I cried because of you? It must be nice not to know. It was a relief. He patted Gisele’s shoulder, and they entered the park. But even after walking for a while, Gisele only ordered the dog around. She didn’t exercise any power over Edwin.

—You said it would be interesting, so why don’t you give me an order?

—I’ll save it for when I need it.

It wouldn’t be fun to see this man cry. It would only stir her heart more.

—Oh, for the day you give me your permission? On that day, I can cry even without you ordering me to.

She couldn’t even imagine it. Edwin Ecclestone crying with emotion, or herself fully shaking off the past and loving him without reserve.

Meanwhile, he seemed to have already put the past behind him. She had worried that he would be forever unable to escape the guilt of his past, as he was so hard on himself.

Was it because he was drunk on love?

—How do you feel about being in love? Does the whole world look rosy?

Mine looks dreary…

—No, mine is gray.

…His too? He was a man standing on a rock-solid foundation of confidence, so why? He put a hand on Gisele’s cheek and kissed her on the forehead, muttering like a sigh to the bewildered Gisele.

—You’re lovely, but I’m flawed.

It wasn’t an answer so much as it was just an invitation for more questions.

—Do you know how it ruins my entire day when you smile so well at other men but not at me?

Had I not smiled today? She retraced the moments she had faced him at work.

I will not be an easy woman. I am on duty, and that person is my superior. Therefore, don’t think about last night’s kiss.

She had repeated these three things like a new creed all day, so her expression might have been stiffer than usual.

But had I ever smiled at this man in the first place?

—I’ll keep that in mind for the future.

She wasn’t promising to smile at him from now on. The man, who saw through her smirk that this was a challenge—that she would deliberately refuse to smile to ruin his day—narrowed his eyes.

His head leaned toward hers. This time, it wasn’t an attempt to kiss her; he was clearly going to butt her on the forehead out of annoyance.

As a child, she was defenseless against it, but not now.

Gisele quickly turned her head and spun sideways, slipping out of his arm. But her opponent was a quick soldier, and before she could even take a step away, he grabbed her belt and pulled her back into his embrace.

—You think I only get jealous and wary of the men you show interest in?

—Then who else are you jealous of?

He confessed after a small, self-deprecating chuckle, as if he found himself absurd.

—Anyone. Literally anyone who looks like they have your trust, reliance, or affection more than I do.

…Is there even such a person? She had no idea who he was talking about.

—Being jealous of a person is still manageable. I’m jealous of cigarettes, and even the popcorn that goes into your mouth. This is the first time in my life I’ve felt like I was worth less than a kernel of popped corn.

—My God.

She threw her head back and burst into laughter at the absurd remark no one could have imagined. His lips curled up into a wide grin, as if it had been a joke meant to make her laugh.

—So the Duke’s rank is lower than a popped corn kernel.

—Do you have any idea how hard I’m trying to surpass a corn kernel right now?

—You’re not as good as a kernel, so the world is gray. That makes sense.

—That’s just the tip of the iceberg, as tiny as a corn kernel. I have an excessive desire for you, and that makes me so anxious…

She thought he was so relaxed that his love was nothing but easy and happy, but it turned out that wasn’t the case.

—How childish and petty I am to fall for two emotions I hate and not be able to escape.

He could no longer laugh playfully, and he wore a faint, bitter smile, the kind of smile one makes when resigned. Then he suddenly furrowed his brow, groaned, and clutched his forehead.

—Why am I stupidly confessing all of this? You must just see me as pathetic.

That’s not true. Gisele looked mesmerized at the man, who was sighing and running a hand through his hair, which was still clutched by his other hand on his forehead. She sighed too. If he had looked pathetic, her feelings would have been much simpler.

—I know.

For some reason, Gisele also confessed, following his lead.

—Love really makes a person look so shabby.

It might have been an unnecessary confession since he already knew, having once acted so pathetically himself.

The man wrapped his arm around Gisele’s shoulder again and slowly leaned his head in. This time, she didn’t evade him. Their foreheads touched. She looked at his peacefully closed eyes and closed her own.

The faint smile that remained as an afterimage lingered in her mind. His expression showed that he was comforted by Gisele’s empathy. But in fact, Gisele was the one who was comforted.

She had thought they had simply reversed their positions from the past. She hadn’t been entirely happy, believing she had regressed to the same place without having moved forward.

But we took a leap forward together. By experiencing the perspective of both the one who loves and the one who is only loved, they had come to deeply empathize with each other’s situations.

The thorns in her heart fell one by one, and the ice wall melted, as a warm feeling began to slowly pool within her.

However, the moment their bodies connected, the time of emotional resonance unexpectedly came to an end.

—Whoa, Loddy! No! Oh, for heaven’s sake…

Loddy, who had spotted a pile of fallen leaves, pulled the leash and broke free from the man’s hand, leaping into the pile. It was too late when she shouted. In any case, he never listened when she scolded him.

While they stood still, waiting for the dog to finish playing and rubbing himself in the leaves, the hand that had been caressing her shoulder slowly moved down. She let him, and it reached her elbow. He wrapped his hand around it and gently stroked her arm. If Gisele hadn’t had her arms crossed, his destination would have undoubtedly been her hand.

Should I give it to him or not?

As she was lost in this pleasant contemplation, he asked.