My Beloved, Whom I Desire to Kill - 243

—Perhaps…

Giselle looked at him with unfamiliar eyes again. He could guess what she was about to say.

—Could another personality have emerged without my knowing? This one knows how to perfectly imitate the Ajussi’s gaze, and as luck would have it, it loves me, just like Lorenz.

—The novel you were writing yesterday, isn’t it finished yet?

He tried to laugh it off as a joke, but Giselle wasn’t laughing at all. Edwin met her serious eyes and spoke with absolute clarity.

—It’s not.

—How can you be sure of that yourself? Wait, you’re not Edwin Ecclestone, are you?

—Ha….

Edwin, now with a splitting headache, massaged the deep furrow between his brows. He had no way to prove himself other than his gaze, yet the only person who recognized him now said she couldn’t even trust his gaze. He felt helpless, wondering what he could use to earn her trust from now on.

—This is my karma, isn’t it? And also the impostor’s karma.

Her suspecting it was the work of another personality meant that Edwin’s past words and actions weren’t the only things that had planted this distrust in Giselle. The crime of that swindler who once made Giselle think Edwin loved her was just as significant. Giselle, as if recalling that incident herself, walked along the sidewalk looking down and let out a bitter laugh.

—Still, this version of you is closer to the Ajussi I know than the perverted Ajussi that impostor impersonated. Even though you’re just as different as he was.

She couldn’t help but act defensively, thinking he was another personality because he said he loved her just like before. When she recalled the countless wounds and the disaster that had occurred from believing “I love you” just once, it was only natural for her to be suspicious, no matter how many times he told her. It would take a long time to shake off this doubt.

Edwin decided not to rush her. He would simply express his feelings again and again, waiting for Giselle to believe his love on her own.

—Giselle, even if I had dozens of personalities, they would all love only you. In that case, wouldn’t it be right to say that I love you?

The woman who had been looking only at the pavement raised her head to look up at him and smiled. The bitterness was gone.

—Why do you love me?

—Giselle, I’ve always loved the person you are.

Did he mean that the reason he loved her hadn’t changed? It was nice to hear, but it was far from the answer Giselle wanted.

—Still, there must have been something that made you like me as a woman. You really don’t remember when you started to see me as a woman?

—Well, I don’t know that, but looking back, there were quite a few moments when I realized it was jealousy.

Jealousy? This man? Giselle couldn’t close her mouth.

—If I follow that as a signpost and travel back in time…

He looked up at the night sky, tracing a constellation with his eyes, then turned his gaze to Giselle.

—Was the start at the training camp?

Giselle’s eyes widened, and she looked at her former training battalion commander before bursting into laughter.

—Oh my, oh my… You went to stop little, fragile Giselle from becoming a soldier, only to commission her as an officer yourself. And now you see her as a woman. Nothing went as you planned, so you must regret chasing me all the way to the training camp.

She was being annoying again, but he suddenly leaned his face in close and, meeting her eyes, asked,

—Do I look like a person who regrets anything right now?

No. You look like a very happy man who found an unexpected stroke of luck. Giselle scowled and turned her head forward.

—Then when did you realize you were in love?

The man, who had never hesitated when asked something he didn’t know, just smiled shyly at a question he surely knew the answer to. He only confessed when she pressed him.

—When you suggested a way to find the enemy’s landing site.

—Ah… I was pretty cool that day, wasn’t I? I understand why you fell for me.

Giselle tossed her hair back with a flick of her hand. He smiled as if her conceit was cute, then reached out and tucked the hair covering Giselle’s cheek behind her ear.

—You must have a unique taste in women, to fall in love because of something like that.

—To be honest, back then I just thought it was a strange desire.

—Then when did you feel it was love?

—After that day, I kept wondering if it was a crazy person’s desire or love…

The nuance was that there was a definitive moment he had been sure it was love, but no answer came, even after she waited.

—Why are you hesitating about this, too?

—I don’t know what you’ll think.

—Was the reason strange?

—By my standards, yes.

There was no doubt about the feelings Edwin had felt that day. However, he couldn’t logically accept that he had felt a romantic attraction to the very person who was expressing gratitude to him, her protector and superior. How could Giselle, who only used her head and not her heart with Edwin, possibly understand?

—I don’t think you’ll understand. You’ll say, ‘How can you be so sure it’s love because of something like that?’

In today’s crestfallen Edwin Ecclestone, Giselle saw her past self. She had prematurely given up hope that he would ever understand the moment she fell in love. Because he was a man who couldn’t understand the women who fell for him for trivial reasons. And now that same person was afraid his love would not be understood.

He finally didn’t tell her and instead asked,

—Why did you fall in love with me?

—It was too insignificant, so I forgot.

It was a lie. There was no way she could ever forget that moment.

At that time, Giselle had also tried to hide it for the same reason. Would he understand now? Even if he did, it would be meaningless. What meaning was there in a painful, unrequited love that had ended?

He should have asked me back then.

With her head, she understood that the situation hadn’t allowed for such a question, and that asking might have been cruel. But from her heart, ugly little thorns pricked out.

—Wow… Major, you’re so lucky.

—Me?

The man furrowed his brow slightly, then raised his eyebrows, asking for her reason.

—The person you had a one-sided crush on gave you a chance to make them love you. So you can proudly shout that you love me and confidently court me. I guess this is what power is all about.

I, on the other hand, had to rush to hide my feelings as soon as I realized them because of my situation and position. It’s so annoying.

Giselle suddenly realized something unexpected: she could be jealous of the love he felt for her.

She desperately wanted a cigarette. She pulled her hands out of her pockets and realized they were in her officer’s jacket. She couldn’t even smoke because he had buttoned her coat so thoroughly. This, too, was so annoying she wanted to bite the man who now looked troubled by the story she had brought up.

—Giselle, the power is with you. You’re the one holding the leash in this relationship.

He lightly tugged on the leash of Loddy, who was trying to enter someone’s yard, and the notoriously disobedient dog immediately turned and came back to the sidewalk.

I get dragged along every time even though I’m holding the leash in our relationship, but he handles any leash with such ease.

—But why do you keep calling me Major? Lieutenant Bishop, haven’t you been able to leave work yet?

—As you can see, the Major called for me, so I haven’t been able to leave yet.

He didn’t seem to like the nuance that framed their meeting as work, and he glared at Giselle. He put his arm around her shoulder as if to make it clear it was a date.

—Call me by my name.

Giselle didn’t pull away from his arm, but she crossed her own arms in front of her like a wall, showing her reluctance.

—I don’t know about that. Our relationship is uncertain, so isn’t it too early for names? If we stop speaking to each other tomorrow, calling you by your name today would just become a memory I’d want to forget.

It wasn’t a joke; it was a memory.

—Giselle, that day I was just surprised. I didn’t dislike you calling my name. It shouldn’t happen, but even if we become distant, I want you to call me by my name. I’ll wait until you feel ready.

Each gentle word melted the icy wall around her heart. The embarrassing memory of putting up layer upon layer of frosty walls was struggling against it.

—And don’t worry. We won’t ever become distant again.

The man who never made promises he couldn’t keep pulled Giselle even closer, almost hugging her, as he matched her pace. But this time, instead of her heart warming, a sudden pang of envy shot through her. She was jealous of the confidence she felt from him, a confidence she had never had.

—You’ll probably try hard, Major. But whether you do or not, I can still pull away.

—That’s true.

Giselle glanced at him slyly. Why wasn’t he pleading with her today? Was it because he had already seen in her eyes that she was wavering, and he was sure of his victory? She decided she would have to show him very clearly that certainty was a no-go.

—What will you do if I end up not feeling love and reject you?

—I guess I’ll have no choice. And that would be good.

—…What did you say?