My Beloved, Whom I Desire to Kill - 242

—Wait, so are you telling me you promised to go to another man if you die first?

When cornered after trying to tease him….

—How did the conversation get there? Do I look like that kind of woman? I’m disappointed.

It’s enough to just bite him and get away. Gisele, trying to change the subject, gestured at the book he had placed on the side table.

—What book are you reading?

—I don’t know.

—…Why don’t you know? You were just reading it.

—I was going to read it while I waited, but I kept thinking about you, so I couldn’t focus on a single letter.

She thought he was just saying it to please her, but she followed his gaze to the window and realized he was being serious. The window looked out onto the street in front of the main entrance. She had wondered why he was sitting here instead of by the warm fireplace, but he had been watching to see if Gisele was coming.

Wait, he didn’t see what I did in front of the door, did he?

When she leaned her body until her cheek was almost touching the glass, she could see the entrance clearly. The light there was even shining brightly, making it seem as clear as if a spotlight were pouring down on it.

……I’m screwed.

While she was staring blankly out the window, this man ran a hand through his deliberately tousled hair and tucked it behind her ear. It was as if he was revealing that he had watched everything she did, how she stood there without ringing the doorbell. Her face grew hot.

He’s already found out that I’m getting reeled in.

From now on, I need to be a more careful person. She regretted her actions, but a vague premonition began to creep in that if she left this man alone, her repentance would become useless starting tonight.

Not only was he holding and caressing her hand, which no longer needed to be warmed, but he was also kissing each of her knuckles. The breath that escaped her as he kissed her was tiny, but it was as hot as the fireplace, sending a thrilling shiver through her entire body.

His gaze, which never left hers even as he explored her hand, was so fervent that it made her squirm, unable to bear the heat. Her head felt dizzy, and her breath hitched. It was as if all the oxygen around her had been burned away.

At this rate, her reason would melt away from his passion, and she might not only give him the opportunity to seduce her but also something else.

‘I need some cold air’

Gisele pulled her hand away from the man’s lips and wrapped it around the neck of the dog, which had woken up and was nuzzling against her.

—Let’s go walk Loddy.

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He had said they would stop by the dressing room first, so she wondered why he wanted her to follow him when she could just grab her coat herself. Little did she know that a punishment for forgetting to check the weather forecast in the morning paper was waiting for her.

—Where are you going dressed so thinly? Do you want to take a sick leave too?

The wool of her officer’s uniform was thick enough, and she was wearing multiple layers underneath, including bloomers, a slip, and a shirt. The stockings were, of course, thin.

It was only chilly for autumn, not yet a winter cold snap, but he tried to put his own socks on her, saying her legs would freeze. She barely managed to avoid it by making the excuse that they were too thick for her shoes, but she had no choice but to put her arms through the long trench coat he gave her to cover her legs.

—Is this enough? Let’s go before Loddy turns this expensive carpet into a toilet.

—You can’t go out like this.

He grabbed Gisele, straightened her collar, and buttoned it up from her neck, one button at a time. Being cared for like a child brought back old memories.

During the war, when she lived by his side, he would often have her wear his spare officer’s jacket just like today. At first, she thought he was doing it because it was difficult to find clothes that fit and because the military uniform was made to withstand the cold winter and harsh battlefield.

That the jacket, with his name tag and epaulets still on it, was actually a warning to the bigots and beasts lurking among the soldiers—‘Don’t you dare lay a finger on this child, her guardian is Major Eccleston.’—was something she only realized much later.

That’s how this man had been protecting Gisele even in places his eyes couldn’t reach. Not just during the winter she was ten, but all this time.

Edwin Eccleston was a person who gave everything he had to Gisele without asking for anything in return. He couldn’t give her love because he didn’t have any, so she shouldn’t resent him for that.

But now that he had found love, albeit late, wasn’t he showering it on her without holding anything back? Edwin Eccleston was that kind of person.

Isn’t it too shameless of me to have received so much love—love that wasn’t even rightfully mine—and then hate him for being late with the love I actually wanted?

A moment of self-reflection began, but another thought quickly came to her.

This man doesn’t want a girl who pays him back for his kindness.

Perhaps the Gisele he met again was a selfish person who was ungrateful, shameless, and didn’t watch her step, which might have allowed him to see her as a woman instead of a little girl.

So, what am I supposed to do? Tell me, my brain.

—Stop calculating things with your head, Giselle, and just tell me what’s in your heart.

I hate you. But I don’t dislike you.

So I don’t know which way I should act.

Edwin Eccleston from last night had already given her the answer.

—Truthfully, a part of me is still passionately telling me that I shouldn’t be doing this to you. But what can I do when it’s what I want?

I’m going to do what I want, too.

When she had loved this man from afar, she had groaned and suffered without being able to do what she wanted. Now that their positions were reversed, she didn’t want to hold back. Why should I be the one to suffer? That is always the fate of the one who loves more, so it’s a burden for Edwin Eccleston to carry.

Right, why am I agonizing over this? He’s completely at peace.

He even looks like he’s enjoying the task of buttoning up her coat, going beyond just being calm. Was he, too, thinking of the past?

Now, it was because of her laziness, but back then, she used to walk around with her coat unbuttoned for a different reason. Whenever he saw her, the Chief would call out to Gisele without fail. Just like today, he would scold her for not buttoning up her coat in the cold and carefully fasten each button, and Gisele would feel full without having eaten. The sense of security—knowing that she had a guardian who would worry for her well-being and protect her—was no different from feeling full.

Even at an age where she could live without anyone’s protection, that sense of satisfaction remained.

He not only fastened all the buttons, inside and out, and securely tied the belt, but he also meticulously tidied the buttonless lower hem. The hem of the coat brushed against Gisele’s ankles.

Will I look like a child wearing an adult’s clothes again?

She turned her head to look in the mirror. The seam where the shoulder met the sleeve was in the middle of her upper arm. The sleeves were so long that her hands were completely covered. She definitely looked like she was swallowed by the coat. But she didn’t look like a child in adult clothes.

This is just like… wearing a lover’s…….

—Not yet, it’s not.

She rolled her eyes, and just then, the man looked up and their eyes met. He must have misunderstood and thought she was tired of him.

—Is this kind of man not charming?

—Could he be?

—If it keeps you warm, I don’t mind losing a little charm.

—……

—Let’s go. Before Loddy turns my house into a bathroom.

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They followed the night street toward a nearby park. She didn’t have the dog’s leash, so she was leisurely walking with her arms crossed, when he asked from beside her,

—Aren’t your hands cold?

It was his way of asking to hold hands. She knew it—he had tried to make her wear his socks but hadn’t offered gloves. Gisele stared at him, slipped both hands into her trench coat pockets, and bent the corner of her lips into a sly smirk.

—They’re not cold anymore. The coat is warm. Thank you.

No matter what he says, I won’t give him my hand. She was firm in her resolve, but then he put on the expression that made her the most soft-hearted—the face of a disappointed old man—and asked,

—Did you not like me kissing your hand?

If he had asked, ‘Is it because I kissed your hand?’, she would have diverted the conversation with ‘No.’ But since he asked if she disliked it, her only option was to honestly answer that she didn’t. And if she gave the real reason—that she wasn’t ready for a kiss on the lips and was worried she might end up giving him one—he would probably focus his fierce attack on her lips instead of her hands.

—I heard that foxes have been spotted in the city lately. Have you been bitten by one?

The man chuckled at her cunning remark but didn’t give up and started to coax her again.

—I’ll just hold it this time.

—Didn’t you live just fine yesterday without holding my hand? Suddenly you’re acting like you have some illness where you’ll die if you can’t hold it.

—Live just fine? I couldn’t hold it, so I was alive, but not really living. I just didn’t show it.

—Then be satisfied with being able to show it now.

—Wow… aren’t you being too heartless? I always grabbed your hand whenever you asked me to.

—That was a relationship between an adult and a child. In a relationship between a man and a woman, I don’t owe you anything.

Even as she played coy, a smile that could only be defined as excitement spread across his face. Was he happy that Gisele had defined them as a man and a woman herself? It definitely would have made him uncomfortable before.