My Beloved, Whom I Desire to Kill - 238

—To be honest, I thought it was his doing at first, too. It was one of the many reasons I struggled all year, unable to say ‘I love you’ to you.

—…All year?

Giselle, who had assumed it was at most a month or two, was speechless at his confession that he had harbored feelings for her all year long.

—Yes. I spent the entire year trying to figure out where these feelings came from. I never got the answer, but instead, I realized an unchanging truth.

Giselle blinked, looking curious. The faint flutter of her long eyelashes created a storm in his heart.

—Whether my feelings were a fabricated deception, purely my own, accidental, inevitable, or even fate… I will never know the beginning. But Giselle, I love you. This feeling is a truth that exists in my heart. It is absolutely not fake.

If his heart could be taken out and shown to her, he would have done so in a heartbeat. Instead, Edwin took Giselle’s hand and placed it in the center of his chest. Giselle’s face flushed as if she felt his heart beating for her. A faint smile slowly bloomed on her face, which had been filled with only shock and doubt. Edwin’s hope, which had been stunted, sprouted again.

—Do you believe me now, that I’ve come to love you?

—I admit it sounds nice, but honestly, I don’t know. It feels like winning the lottery even though I never bought a ticket… The reality of it hasn’t quite sunk in yet…

At least comparing him to a lottery ticket or a dream was hopeful.

—It’s because it’s so sudden and unfamiliar. Once you see, hear, and feel how much I love you with your whole heart and body, you’ll get used to it soon enough.

Edwin took Giselle’s hand from his chest and brought it up.

—I’ll make you believe me.

—Hmm… I don’t know…

Giselle pulled her hand away, not allowing him to even kiss the back of it. It looked like a rejection, but the way she bit her lips while looking at Edwin with frustrated eyes was more like someone conflicted.

—Is it because of Howard Garfield?

—No, it’s more…

—Because of Lorenz?

—It’s not that I’m worried about another man.

—Then is it me? Have you met so many younger guys that you’ve grown to dislike older men like me?

—I had plenty of younger men before, too.

Giselle let out a small laugh, then bit her lip again and finally confessed the reason for her conflict.

—It’s not that you’re the problem, it’s that I’m worried.

—About what?

—If people find out we’re dating, the malicious rumors that are already going around will become an established fact.

Edwin Eccleston would become a filthy mongrel who took in an orphan and coveted her. People who had laughed it off as a rumor until now would believe it.

If he intended for their relationship to be a short, secretive one, she wouldn’t have to worry. But this man, who was so conservative and reserved when it came to relationships, had clearly chosen the path of love after a difficult decision, and there was no doubt that marriage would be the final stop. For that reason, Giselle couldn’t take it lightly and just say, «What the heck, let’s give it a try.»

—When I was young, I was arrogant enough to think I knew how the world would see it if I became your lover. But the reality was… a lot more horrible than I imagined.

To think she once believed that love could overcome anything. How foolish was I on that night I became an adult? Fortunately, and therefore unfortunately, the current Giselle wasn’t young enough to be fooled into believing that love was a panacea.

—Would you be okay with going through that again?

—Giselle, you were the one who struggled back then, not me. I was always fine as long as you were. But I’ll understand if you still don’t feel that way.

If she didn’t want to date him because she was overwhelmed by the spotlight that would follow him for the rest of his life, he would accept that.

—I know you have a lot to lose from this relationship. That’s why I’ve been thinking about this for a long time, and I’m prepared to make up for and take responsibility for everything you might lose.

—What would I lose? I don’t really have anything to begin with.

—That’s not true. The less you have, the greater the impact when you lose something.

Giselle couldn’t argue with that and just laughed. His words had a point, and his roundabout way of saying that he had a lot to lose, so losing something because of Giselle wouldn’t affect him, was also logical.

—Honestly, back then, it wasn’t that I lost anything… it was just hard to accept that I was the person who was dirtying the man I loved and pushing him into a swamp.

—Shouldn’t I be the one saying that?

She couldn’t help but laugh again at the wrong moment.

—Don’t you think it’s funny that we both believe we’re nothing but trouble for each other?

—It’s because we love each other.

They had a long-standing rule that the first person to laugh lost. Because the moment you laugh, a crack appears in the strong barrier of your heart. And the word «love,» which rushed in like his crisp breath, made her heart tighten as if it were being tickled. At the same time, an old scar throbbed.

—Stop calculating with your head about what’s a loss and what’s a gain, and tell me what’s in your heart, Giselle.

What’s in my heart… It wasn’t a state that could be easily explained.

—Don’t you love me anymore?

—The answer to that is the same as it was before.

The words «my love has ended, and I have no lingering feelings» were not a lie she said just to make him feel better.

—If that’s the case, do you think you’ll never be able to love again? Do you not see me as a man anymore? Is even my touch uncomfortable for you?

Edwin Eccleston, a man always so detached, desperately pleading with a woman. And that woman is me.

My dream has become a reality, hasn’t it?

When she was thirteen and just starting her awkward one-sided love, Giselle used to have the foolish fantasy that, like the protagonists of romance novels, the man would become so infatuated with her charms that he would be driven mad with desire.

To think that ridiculous dream has come true.

Subtly satisfying, no, thrilling, this dream was so captivating that Giselle just watched the man, who was struggling to revive a love that was already dead, worried that the dream would end.

—When you heard that I had fallen in love with a woman, did you really not feel anything at all?

Edwin didn’t expect jealousy. He would have been content with a single word of regret. Giselle, who had only laughed in a flustered way at everything he had asked, finally opened her tightly sealed lips. Was the door to her heart finally opening?

—Of course, I felt something. I was so happy I wanted to jump for joy. My God, thank you. I’m finally free.

At that moment, in a space full of living, moving people, the man in front of her stopped as if he were dead. His eyes froze as they stared at Giselle, and his body was so still it was hard to tell if he was even breathing. His face became as pale as if it had truly been frozen.

Did I go too far?

Giselle placed her hand on his, which was resting on the bar table.

—Ajussi?

The moment she touched him, he began to move as if he had just woken up, but his avoidance of her hand left her uneasy.

—I see. It must feel like I’m trying to bind you again, now that you’ve barely escaped me. It makes sense…

Edwin Eccleston was a cunning strategist who had a formidable background, a brilliant mind that wouldn’t be overwhelmed by it, and years of experience controlling a countless number of chaotic and variable situations, leaving no room for a single flaw.

Because of this, he never seemed anxious about winning and had the composure to lose gracefully. So, for such a man to be so attached and miserable at the prospect of not being able to win Giselle’s heart, no matter how hard he tried, was an unusual sight.

Half of her wanted to just watch him, while the other half wanted to pull him out of his misunderstanding by telling him that her feeling of «freedom» wasn’t meant that way.

The man, who had been lost in thought, looking down at his own hand, lifted his head. The calm smile that had disappeared with his complexion returned.

Yeah, you’re a strong man, after all. She thought he would recover from this temporary setback and continue to try and win her heart. She was sure he would keep showering her with sweet words until she finally gave in to his advances, because he was the kind of man who had that ability.

But what came out of Edwin Eccleston’s mouth was not a sweet plea.

—Then I’ll ask you one last thing. Answer me honestly.

…..…Last?

—Do you hate me now?

If she said yes, he would never confess his love to her again. This would be the end for them.

It was time to stop leading him on with her ambiguous actions and be honest.